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[14 Dec 2009|01:49pm] |
Who: Mac monologue Where: Her Room at the Jackal lodge When: Week 17 Wednesday Night What: Mac is coming to grips with her feeling. Rating: With Mac, you never really know, but PG-13 for now. Progress: Complete/Closed
Mac woke with a start, the sight of her precious Carmen's dead and bloody body still sitting behind her eyes. She had stopped screaming from that nightmare a long time ago, back when she was leading the Tres 60. Her men thought something was wrong. That's when she found comfort in sharing her bed with strong powerful men. Only a few of her most ruthless, and loyal men shared her bed while she was their leader, before she ever met Jax. They were the ones who had kept her from screaming in the middle of the night, even going as far as soothing their shaking leader. She hadn't really cared much for those men, at least not like lovers are supposed to. But she did feel a twinge of remorse when she killed them before integrating the rest of her men with Jax's. She told herself it was because she was killing good, useful men. She had killed them because she knew a man, a leader like Jax would be cautious about her men, and never fully trust those who were deeply loyal to her, and those she killed were just that.
But the first week being integrated with the Jackals is when the screaming started again. That's when Mac had decided that if she was going to share a bed with someone, it was going to be the most powerful man of them all, Jax. Things had been great. She slept perfect, and she was beginning to gain his trust, even having some kind of authority among the men, thanks to Jax. She found herself equal to Lawliss, but she was just short of Reina's position.
When they all found their way to Sundance, she did her best to impress him with her espionage skills, reporting back as much information as she could about the town and it's inhabitants. But as he spent more and more time with Sumi, she found herself becoming more and more bitter.
Mac could actually like Sumi, if she tried and if Sumi wasn't getting so much attention for no reason. In all actuality, Mac knew Sumi wasn't quite so useless. she could fight, so long as she had a weapon, and she was clever and quick witted when she needed to be. Also, the whole killing thing didn't seem to bother her much, so all in all, Sumi and Mac could technically get along. The exception was Jax. And it was this very reason that Mac found herself wonder why she cared so damn much about what he did. If she was so pissed off, why couldn't she just leave? Take what was left of her men and leave? There were plenty of other Tres 60 still out there; she could start over again. So why not?
Because she cared. She had some how, along the line, let herself care about this intoxicating, powerful, bloodthirsty man. She knew she had lost her basic care for the human life, including her own, when Carmen was taken from her, but finding someone with her same disregard for feeling and life in general was rare. Even some of her own men had tried to get her to "grow a heart" and that ended with them losing theirs. As far as Mac was concerned, her heart died along with Carmen. Now she only lived for the hell of it. Every person she killed deserved it for some reason or another, and all of them somehow had a connection to her horrible, weak step-father.
So why in the hell did she find herself caring about him? This though baffled her to no end, and she got up from her bed and began to pace. It's not fair. It's not right. What the fuck?! Argh! She was in complete frustration, and this time it was because she actually knew her feelings, but found that she had no way to express them. No! This shouldn't be happening! I can't allow this to happen. Look at me: I'm falling apart, over a man.
Mac thought her dilemma through a little more and decided that she needed to get the hell out of the lodge. The walls her room everything seemed to be closing in on her and she couldn't breath. She threw on a random t-shirt, a pair of blue jeans, and her knee high black boots. She put some light make-up on, never know who you might see out on a walk, and put her black hoody over her head. She gave herself a once over in her full length mirror. She was amazed at how black her hoody had stayed all these years. It had been Carmen's and she just couldn't bring herself to ever wear another jacket since. She quietly opened her door and walked around the house to the back door. She'd ponder her matter further while she walked around this small town at night. She check her pocket for her knife and lighter. She rarely went anywhere outside of the lodge without some kind of weapon.
She opened the back door and welcomed the cold air on her face.
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